Sunday, August 7, 2011

Unlovable yet loved

It's been a rough summer. I've been dealing with a foot problems. Ben's in Afghanistan, Laurens in southern Indiana, Jess has been in Michigan and Emily's in Chicago, so I have seen very little of my children. Because of busy schedules, we have not had a granddaughter visit , nor have our ladies covenant group been together much. The consistent heat has been unbearable, especially when trying to can salsa and tomato soup in a kitchen with no air conditioner. I have been feeling very lonely and unloved. Finally, tonight, I'd had enough. It was not a pretty melt down. Maybe a bit of a comical picture seeing that it took me 3 different shoes with inserts, without inserts, change shoes w/inserts... to even be able to walk down the road. When I finally got the right combination, I let the tears spill. I wasn't mad at God or anybody for that matter. I really was just tired of trying to make everything work. I was tired of waiting. I needed a hug. I needed to spill my guts and thoughts. So, I walked and I cried and I talked and I cried. And with each tear, my mind started to clear and I started feeling better. I know that I am blessed to have great kids and a fine home with running water and electricity, even if it doesn't have central air. I know that I have great friends that will listen and cry right along side of me if I would call them. I realize that not too long ago there was no such thing as Open Adoption. So, I had to count my blessings one by one. I had to cast aside my pride, my self-centeredness and my lack of understanding.

This morning Pastor Gary mentioned that in the spiritual world, demons are especially good at deceiving gullible humans. Gullible, vulnerable, whatever and whenever, they can, they will inch there way in. He reminded us how important it is to keep our discernment antennas up. Mine had been bent and beaten with a bit of rust, maybe even pointed in the wrong direction, inward, not upward. Not for a long time, but long enough to be deceived. As I've come to understand life as a complex journey, periodically I need to be reminded that as I strive to be more like Jesus, I will never be like God, perfect in controlling my own destination. Whatever he decides to do with me and my minimal life on this earth, I will learn to be content. A breakdown every once in a while opens the brain cells to let a fresh, free God refill. Thank you Jesus for being a great listener who still loves me even when I appear unlovable.

"And the God of grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I Peter 5:10