I was 24 years old when I married Mike. I had been living on my own since I was 18, I loved to travel and go to concerts, kind of a free bird. In the first few months after we were married, I began to have strange dreams. In one, I was running on what seemed like a concrete slab, very frightened. I came to an abrupt stop as the concrete gave way and I was looking down into an endless pit with nowhere to go. In another, I was standing in a room with no doors or windows. These kind of dreams continued for months always with the same theme....scared & stuck with no way out. It was pretty obvious that my dreams where subconsciously telling my feelings. How did I deal with them? With Gods help, I learned to embrace my marriage. Learned to give more than take. Learned to let go of me and let Him.
Four years ago when God and I were sitting on our backyard swing talking about the upcoming adoption of my granddaughter, He assured me that everything was going to be OK. This was His plan and He would take care her. At that time, I gave up the fight & surrendered to Him, but not without hanging on to my own ideas of what OK would look like. Since there was not much information on open adoption and the agency we were working with was having internal changes, our families were left to figure out how to blend together on our own. The one book I did find spanned the range of horror stories to pictures only to holiday/birthday contact to friends who actually babysat for their adopted grandchildren. Of course, I was convinced that God had planned for us to be the "ideal" adoption, where we would travel the world speaking together, saving unborn lives. At this time, unbeknown to me, I was teetering on depression. Interesting, how our brains are so intricately created that one little wire off and our thinking can become distorted. (that's another blog post)
Anyways, I was lovingly reminded of the truth. When Emily gave up rights to be a mother, she also gave up any rights for us to be grandparents. Through lots and lots of prayer warrior friends and correct medication, I understood that I had once again been placed in a box with no windows or doors, and that this time I had to surrender ALL my plans and embrace the miracle of being allowed visits and hugs and peaks into her life. Who knows? Maybe one day we will all stand up together & tell our God ordained story. His timing, not mine.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him." Psalm 62:5